Two years later?

Still fat :::sigh:::

Still fat

How about you?

Working

I'm working hard with Kristen. Amazing that a one-hour phone session can generate so much work, but it really has. I feel committed to this and really ready to work. I mean, I was honest with her :::gasp:::

Beyond working, I'm also dyeing and cutting...



Oh, and can I please suck more next week in the You Pick 'Em?? I mean really.

What's up with me...

Travelled Mon-Wed to Long Beach for a planning meeting. Feel tired and jet-lagged even after so few days on the West Coast.

I am completely ignoring the fact that I signed up for Janice's group. Realize that I really need someone to help me work through this shit, so I'm just collecting the info Janice sends for me to find someone to work with on it. I'm too embarrassed to talk to Janice. Wish Mike was open to working through this with me (not that I've asked him).

My body is revolting being this fat - not that I look ugly (which I do) rather my stomach is in a constant state of irritation and I run to the bathroom with urgency.

I'm using work as an excuse to maintain the status quo because we are mere weeks away from our annual conference and it should have all my focus; however at the same time, I'm not really able to focus on much of anything at work either.

Finances suck. I hate my new contact prescription. I'm tired of bitching/whining. Daddy's dead and I'm still so sad. But I'm also tired of using that as a mental excuse to let things go. It should be a call to arms to get my ass in gear...

I send you HUGE sister hugs across the country. I wish I had more support to give you today. All I can do is send you my love and empathy. I'm right there with you, sister.

No news

Doctor has upped my thyroid meds--levels still aren't where she'd like.

Kristen didn't have our appointment in her calendar because I had sent her a question about money, so she didn't think things were settled. We start on Friday.

You're not posting, and I feel invisible. Those aren't a cause-and-effect. I just feel invisible today.

Just waiting

I'm waiting to get started with Kristen, but I have had some interesting news. I went back to the Dr. on Friday to get my test results. Turns out my cholesterol is 259, and my sugars/glucose is 104. Now 104 isn't bad--just low risk, but still at the high end of low risk, if that makes sense. Also, my BMI is now officially in the obese range. Ah, happy day. So, my doctor helpfully tells me to eat less fat (for the cholesterol) and fewer carbs (for the sugar), and now I really can't eat anything but, um, lettuce? But, as Dave says, as soon as I start losing eight, I will start to see these numbers reverse themselves. I am just happy that I'm seeing a OD--her first instinct was diet and support, not medication. I just love that!

I still go see the endocrinologist on Tuesday, and I'm sure she's going to have something to say about the sugars, too (endos deal with diabetes, too). Tuesday will be the big day, as I start with Kristen on Tuesday as well. Did I tell you that Dave is on board? I told him this is what I really wanted and that I could commit for 6 months, and he said, well, all right then!

I'll weigh tomorrow and hit the bike. I've discovered that the second season of Twin Peaks isn't enough to motivate me to hit the bike, so I'm back to the first season of Charmed in the DVD player. Each episode is 45 minutes, so I get an Aaron Spelling mindlessness fix and exercise at the same time!

BTW, your U-Pick-'Em is looking really bad LOL

Soooooo

OK, yesterday's endocrinologist appt was postponed until next tuesday. Gives me time to get the blood drawn that I was supposed to get drawn. I got that done this morning when I went to see my GP. We decided to keep me on the Prozac at 10mg daily (instead of every other day) for 2-3 months until I get a support network set up. By that she means for me to go find a therapist and get into a daily meditation/yoga practice so that, the next time we yank the happy pills, we can know that I'm supported. I have been a weepy mess pretty much all week.

Eating has sucked. Yesterday it was Panda Panda for lunch (well, for breakfast, too--I eat nothing until lunchtime these days), and then a plate of nachos for dinner (just tostitos and cheese, and not that many, as I killed the bad, but you know...). Today's lunch was salt and vinegar chips, then dinner was Wahoo's--3 fish taquitos and a steak quesadilla. No veggies or fruit either day. And no exercise, either.

I just have no interest in anything right now. It's a struggle to leave the house. Must re-up the meds...

Kristin is at a conference this week, so I don't expect to hear back from her until the weekend. I am fully ready to say, "I can't sign a contract because I wimp out. If that's not OK, I need to go elsewhere." I still have my appointment with HMR next week, so if it falls through with Kristin, I have a back-up plan.

Tomorrow I will exercise. Beyond that, I cannot say. I am not interested in eating fruits and veggies. Well, I am interested, they just don't sound at all appealing.

Call Janice. Do it. You'll feel better.

Hump Day

So, Janice wrote me back and asked for my phone number, and said she'd be happy to call me. Nice! Of course, I chickened out and never responded to her response, but hey.. baby steps here. lol

I'd like to report that I met my super-mini goal of yesterday and drank a 16 oz bottle of water with my lunch. I also upgraded that goal to drinking a litre bottle of water with today's lunch, and although it isn't yet finished - but it's more than half gone - I did that too!

Hooray for me!

Did you hear from Kristen? How are you?

activity and pills

I'm not hitting the bike this morning. Must get the house tidied up before the cleaners get here ;-) But the hour I spent sweating in the girls' room picking up their toys must surely count towards something. I will make sure I watch what I eat today to make up for not exercising properly.

I have an appointment with my endocrinologist this afternoon for a med check. I think the new hormones are helping. I have another appt with my GP tomorrow to do a Prozac check. Seeing as I'm weeping on alternate days (the days I don't take the meds), I think I'm definitely having some side effects from coming off of the happy pills.

Don't beat yourself up for not being able to face the issues brought up by your homework. Can you contact Janice directly for help? Maybe these are issues to bring up with a therapist--do you still have one? I'm thinking I may need to find one out here...

Incompletes and Tolerations...

ok, so I didn't do my homework last night, so I'll do it now at lunchtime insterad of going downstairs to the cafe and ordering my grilled cheese with bacon and onion rings...

Well, nevermind.. I don't get the homework. It's way too introspective and ugly gross. So maybe I do get it but am too scared to complete it. Maybe today's homework will be easier. Sucks to start off with something that fills me with fear to confront. Aren't things supposed to start out easy...?

dammit. I suck. I live in fear. no wonder I'm fat. *sigh*

Wait.. here is today's exercise... I CAN do this!!!!

"Why not choose one tiny, bite-sized healthy thing to do today. The smallest [goal] you can think of. And then make it even smaller!! Perhaps, take a walk – a short walk; or eat a piece of fruit. Nothing too big, please.The smaller the better. "

Today's teeny tiny goal: I will drink water with my lunch.

stay tuned!

back slide..

I don't suppose a piece of pizza, a slice of meatloaf and a #2 at McDonalds, topped off with beer and a FastBreak bar (all this after work) is any sort of progress...

Holy Crap. I know better.

progress

239 calories burned on aforementioned bike.

Emailed Kristen and let her know about the contract concerns. I am sure it will all work out. If not, I will join you with OLoWL...

272... God what a terrible number

Today I signed up for Our Lady of Weight Loss's Janice Taylor's 21 Day (homestudy) Cure! I promise to do the "Imcompletes and Tolerations" worksheet tonight.

205 and counting

Today:

205 pounds--still


45 minutes on the exer-bike...

Sweaty sweaty wins the race!